new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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