I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
