I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
