i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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