I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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