I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He felt like a one man threesome
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
