if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
