Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Did I show you my penis last night?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
