I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
