if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
