I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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