I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
