my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
