its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize