then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
