Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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