my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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