I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
