Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
