never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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