this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
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