i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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