...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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