dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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