it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
