How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize