i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just had sex on a roof
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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