That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
you never un-have a 4some
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
