I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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