If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
