this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
