I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
