I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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