omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
