Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
