Please don't use social media to get back at me.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
