I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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