I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
