just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
