I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
