my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
