...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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