Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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