the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
She even gives head with a lisp.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
