I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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