I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
