sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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