she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
