new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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