So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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