Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Randomize
