Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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