if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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