How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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