I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
His nipple licking is glorious
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