I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
