so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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