He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
