At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
