k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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