I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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