why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
