can we get nightvision for the apartment?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
