apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
